Season 1, Episode 7: Handling Back-to-School Stress
Back-to-school is an exciting time for a lot of students, but it can also be the cause of added stress. As the new school year begins, it’s essential to address the challenges and anxieties that can occur for both children and parents.
On this episode of Living Fully, host Katherine Hurtig talks with registered social worker, Nicole Ward, about how stress and anxiety can show up for parents and kids during the back-to-school season. They talk about different techniques and strategies you can use to help make the transition easier for your family, as well as general tips to help manage anxiety. Download a copy of the tips for later.
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Welcome to Living Fully, a Calgary Counselling Centre podcast. Each episode we’ll bring you insights from our expert counsellors and tips and strategies to improve your mental well-being. I'm your host, Katherine Hurtig. Calgary Counselling Centre and Counselling Alberta provide effective counselling for anyone in Alberta with no wait list and no financial barriers. Find us online at calgarycounselling.com or counsellingalberta.com.
In this episode, I talk with registered social worker Nicole Ward about the stress that parents and kids can face when headed into the back-to-school season. Nicole talks about the different ways that stress and anxiety can show up for kids and parents and provides strategies and techniques to make the back-to-school transition a bit easier.
Katherine Hurtig
So, I know we're in the middle of summer, but fall will sneak up on us before we know it. And for a lot of families, that's going to mean going back to the routine of school. So today we're going to talk about back-to-school stress and what parents and kids can do to ease back into the routine.
I'm here today with Nicole Ward, registered social worker with Calgary Counselling Centre. Hi, Nicole. Thank you so much for chatting with me today.
Nicole Ward
Thanks so much for having me, Katherine.
Katherine Hurtig
Let's start out by just telling me a bit about yourself and your background.
Nicole Ward
I'm a registered social worker as you said, and a counsellor at Calgary Counselling Centre. My whole clinical background has been with children and families. I have two small children, myself - a 10-year-old girl and a six-year-old little boy. So this topic of handling back-to-school stress is near and dear to my heart.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure, you can definitely relate. Let's get into it. So, Nicole, can you explain some typical sources of back-to-school stress for children and parents?
Nicole Ward
Yeah, I think it's mostly the change in routine. That's coupled with everybody's anxiety is a little higher. While parents won't be necessarily changing jobs, let's face it, they're significantly impacted by the transition for their kids and their routines. So back to packing lunches and trying to remember when you have to send your child to school in a pink shirt. All those pieces can contribute to the overall stress of the family unit, whatever that looks like.
Katherine Hurtig
Right. Any change in routine, right?
Nicole Ward
Totally, yeah. I think the change in routine and just the morning of the end of summer and what all the joy that that brings.
Katherine Hurtig
So how can parents recognize signs of stress in their children as they prepare to go back to school.
Nicole Ward
I would say if they see or hear a lot of questions about what back to school is going to be like can be a sign that that anxiety is kind of bubbling up for their child. Maybe they're asking what their teacher's going to be like, who might be in their class, what their school's going to be like if it's new. Who's going to be picking them up, some reassurance about exactly where they're going to be picked up and what time - I would say all of those kinds of questions coming up, and parents will typically see that as the child starts to cognitively process this change that's going to be happening.
If you think about times as an adult you're anxious, it might be about something in the future, and those questions are a way to soothe ourselves and have some certainty about an unanswerable question, which is exactly what back-to-school is going to be for kids. We're not going to have those answers but, for kids, they rely on their caregivers to answer those unanswerable questions because they're largely not in control of their own universe.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, and I guess there's a lot there is a lot of unknowns going back, whether you're starting school for the first time or going back even just a different grade, there are a lot of unknowns and that can be upsetting. Nicole, what are some effective strategies for helping kids manage their own back-to-school anxiety?
Nicole Ward
I think the biggest piece is normalizing that feeling of anxiety. You can share in a really general sense about how you felt at the same age when you were returning to school and what that felt like for you. At the same time, we don't want to give our kids more content to worry about, so telling them about your current worries as a parent might not be that helpful. Talking in generalities, normalizing it and validating their feelings, and also talking about the physiological reality of anxiety in all of our human bodies.
When we're anxious, it's just a very linear and biological process. The physiological responses in the body that we don't need right now to deal with the situation we have at hand, if it's not an emergency, can cause these anxious feelings and realities - increased heart rate, our breathing rate can change, we can feel a little bit tingly. And kids don't really know what to make of all that sometimes. And parents can explain this in a in a child friendly way, an age-appropriate way. So just normalizing that this is a system that we need but also explaining what it is. The amygdala gets activated, and then there's a stress response, and that stress response creates all kinds of reactions in the body, and we need this stress response cause it's the same response that will allow us to hit the brakes on our car, or if we're a kid, hit the brakes on our bike so we don't end up in a ditch, you know? At the same time, it can be a bit tricky because it's an alarm system for our bodies, and when we get anxious, it's almost like a false alarm is going off. The idea is to get back to the front part of our brain because that's where we can think about thoughts and feelings and mix those together. And it's a more logical place to operate from and I think later we'll talk more about how to get to this part of the brain when we talk about mindfulness and grounding and whatnot.
Katherine Hurtig
Thank you for explaining that - the physiological side of it. I find how the brain works and when it comes to mental health, I find that so interesting.
Nicole Ward
And honestly, I think it's just when we can accept the reality that if we have a human brain, then this is how it's going to work. If we have a brain at all, actually in in most animals it's the same type of system, maybe less evolved, but the same idea.
Katherine Hurtig
We're all going to experience some level of anxiety at some point.
This topic is definitely front of my mind lately because I have a step son - he's awesome shout out to Harrison. He’s 12 and so he's going to be going into junior high. Personally I've got my own anxieties for him. There's just so many changes there, a completely different school, now he's got to get himself to and from school, there's going to be a completely different structure, so what tips do you have for me? How can I set him up for success?
Nicole Ward
I think having your own support network around processing those feelings because it wouldn't be helpful for him to know that you're worried that maybe he'll get bullied or, or maybe he won't fit in at school, or maybe he won't be cool. So all of those worries might be things that he didn't even think about. So having a support network if there's a co-parent, of course that's a good resource for sure. Also, friends and family members, just normalizing your worries will allow you to be a more solid base.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, I'm. I'm excited for him, but I remember what starting junior high was like, and I feel like junior high was the most challenging time. High school is fine. Elementary is fine, but junior high is just…
Nicole Ward
Yeah, there's so much change happening outside and inside and. That's totally exacerbated by things like social media and just social pressures and all the things that we didn't maybe contend with as much when we were younger.
Katherine Hurtig
I'm really happy that I grew up in a time without social media.
Nicole Ward
Me too.
Katherine Hurtig
You touched on this a little bit. But let's dive deeper. How can parents effectively manage their own stress during the back-to-school period to make sure that they're supporting their children?
Nicole Ward
That stress response is the same whether you're a little person or a bigger person, so it's the taking care of yourself, the grounding techniques. Socially, there's so much pressure about being the perfect parent or being a really good parent, and it looks like everybody else is doing it better than you sometimes. So understanding that that that's not true. Take it from me – I probably look like a very different parent on social media than what my kids see at 7:00 AM. I think just being kind to yourself, and if there is a situation where things don't go well in the morning or anytime, the biggest thing is not the rupture that happens between parent and child, but the repair. I think statistically, we have a good chance of raising well balanced children If we get it right 30% of the time.
Katherine Hurtig
Oh, that seems realistic!
Nicole Ward
Exactly! We can aim a bit higher, but really, aim high and hope for the best. If we if we manage that 70% on average of ruptures that happen when things didn't go perfectly, by addressing it with our children, apologizing and repairing that and letting them see that we too are human.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah. I definitely don't think I'm a perfect parent either, but I'm very conscious and try to do that a lot with Harrison. I'll get frustrated or I'll nag him too much or something, and then I can look back and be like, OK, and then I go to him and say “I'm sorry, dude. That was too much,” or “I shouldn't have said that,” or “I shouldn't have raised my voice,” so I hope that that’s helping him.
Nicole Ward
Statistically, it is helping him. I don't know, Harrison, but all the research says it is, so good job.
I think the other piece that I also really want parents to lean into - I think it's hard when there's so much coming at parents to think about, being able to prioritize ourselves sometimes and thinking that that might be a little bit selfish. But you will show up better for your kids if you have your basic and connection and emotional needs met. If you can think about it like that, it kind of takes off some of the pressure of thinking that you don't have time for that, or that's time you should be putting into your kids. You'll show up better for your kids more often if you have those needs met. Not every time, but more times.
Katherine Hurtig
Are there specific techniques or activities that can help children relax and reduce stress before the school year?
Nicole Ward
Like for example, some grounding techniques - I'll go through a few here right now. I think we're going to talk maybe more about those, but maybe this is a good opportunity. One anxiety specific strategy would be to externalize the anxiety and I'll explain what I mean by that. Kids get taken over by anxiety, and adults too, and we feel this sense of “this is like the whole thing. This is the whole story,” and when we can look at it in retrospect, it's a very small part of the story. And honestly, the things that we worry about, the percentage of them that actually come to fruition are few and far between, I would say.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Nicole Ward
That as soon as you start to feel those physiological changes, and you can talk to your kid about that – “what does it feel when you start to worry about school? Where do you feel it in your body? Do you feel like a tightness right here? That's a really common one. Do your fingers feel tingly? Here's why - your body's pumping blood to different parts of your body so you can respond to a real emergency. But this is not one of those emergencies, but everybody feels this way.” So being able to have some fun with it. And maybe even give the anxiety a name - maybe it's an annoying TV character. Maybe don't pick someone that you love, like their name. But like “Bob! I can feel you coming up, Bob. You're trying to trick me. You're trying to make me think there's an emergency, Bob, but there's no emergency.”
Katherine Hurtig
OK, so separating that from themselves?
Nicole Ward
Yeah, once you start to do that cognitive piece of thinking through what to say to Bob, you'll automatically go to the front part of your brain which is what you need. That's where you need to be to start to think more logically and get yourself off that spiral, that rumination and repeated thoughts coming up. There's nothing to figure out there's no answer to this, and leaning into anxious feelings while managing it as one part of a really complex system of things that are going on for kids and adults.
Katherine Hurtig
We talked about some of the like origin of the of the stress of going back to school, the uncertainty, the unknown. How can parents help kids deal with that? Because that's going to happen all the time. You're always going to face things that that you can't predict. What are some things that parents can do to help their kids better cope with uncertainty?
Nicole Ward
I think there's some very practical things, and then there's behaviors, right? Fidget toys are actually really good. They offer the kind of physiological motions that require you to be in the right part of your brain for logical thinking. Also, grounding techniques like. Yeah. Well, just. Focus the brain on something else. So for example, saying what are five things you can see in the room when you start to feel those feelings. What are four things that you can touch in the room? Pay attention. What are three things you can hear? What are two things you can smell and what's something you can taste in the room? So just bringing them back to their bodies and five senses is a good, simple one for kids. There are many. Also box breathing - looking at like a square in the room and taking a deep breath in along one side of the square, and then holding it and then letting it out for the same count on the other side of the square, and then holding breath again. That's a a loose explanation of it, but it's easy to find.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, that one I'm familiar with. I like how that can work for anyone, for kids and adults.
Nicole Ward
Totally, and I think it's once you understand what's happening, there’s so many possibilities. Some people are more cognitive, they want to use their brains more to get back to the right part of their brain. And some people are more physical. But the trick is - the thing about this stress response is that it’s very powerful but it doesn't have that many tricks up its sleeve - it's kind of the same process every time when you are in that loop. So the quicker you can identify that you're headed down that anxiety path and change directions the more success you will have. I think the other piece of techniques and strategies is setting aside an amount of time where you just talk generally about feelings and sometimes anxious feelings might come up, but kids knowing they have that daily outlet is really good. Like maybe before bed, that quiet time is when the mind starts to travel away from us a bit sometimes. And also, journaling is really good for kids who are a bit older and have those skills, or having a parent journal with a kid - routine ways to normalize all types of feelings.
Katherine Hurtig
What about the social challenges? Can you provide some advice on how parents can help their kids navigate peer pressure and things like that during the back to school period?
Nicole Ward
Yeah, this year, the school actually offered a webinar on cyber awareness for parents. I think that's really important because that is a way that keeps our kids so connected, and monitoring this to whatever age appropriate extent - you know your kid in terms of how much that monitoring needs to happen based on prior experience or just knowing how connected your kid is in those ways. But I think the biggest part is knowing that if your child brings something to you that it's going to be responded to in an open and calm way. Also, maybe getting in touch with the school about what trends they're seeing and if you know something, even if your kid isn't involved, maybe letting the school know that that's happening because some of that stuff happens through school e-mail and parents might not even know how their kids are accessing that.
Katherine Hurtig
OK, you're talking about cyber bullying and things like that?
Nicole Ward
Yeah, cyber bullying or just inappropriate communication in general. I think the biggest piece is having that person at home or people at home that the kid knows that they'll have support navigating the tough parts of this reality - this social reality that we're in right now.
Katherine Hurtig
How can parents strike a good balance between supporting their child, guiding them, but also allowing them to develop resilience and independence?
Nicole Ward
It's a good question. I think historically we thought the more independent, the better and we're learning now that that's actually not that true. The most important part is that attachment piece. The reciprocity that occurs between children and their caregivers. Children seeing and developing an image of themselves through the way they’re responded to by their parents is the most important piece. I think a dialogue around this is really important. It's not going to go perfectly for the parent or the kid, but setting age appropriate expectations. I'll give you an example - so my kids will always leave their clothes on the bathroom floor after bath time or shower time, every time, and it's so easy for me - and I actually did it for a while - to pick it up and just deal with it. But then there's no consistency around the expectations that they're both old enough to their clothes from the bathroom into the laundry. Next step is telling them to take their underwear out of their pants first before they put it in.
Katherine Hurtig
Oh my gosh. Yeah.
Nicole Ward
But we're still working on the bathroom floor. I think it's taking the time now and knowing that the long term gains will help you and the kids. So it might be a bit more work tonight, but if it doesn't happen 10 more times because you called them back tonight, then perfect. Also making mistakes is going to be a part of learning. Apologizing to your kid when you make a mistake so they can see that that's a part of learning and that you're human just like they are. I think is critical.
Katherine Hurtig
OK. So Nicole, obviously a big part of school is, the academics, the school work, the studying - do you have any specific strategies or approaches that can help parents and children manage those academic pressures and expectations?
Nicole Ward
I think the biggest piece is getting the routine down early. I don't think anybody ever looked back on their high school career and thought, “I wish I hadn't established better study routines.” As the grades go by, and I'm seeing this now as we're heading into grade 6 here, and I'm sure you're noticing with Harrison, is it tends to get more intense and the study habits need to be more refined as they get older. And then that'll be true even if they sort of sail through the traditional 12 grades of school, it'll be true for post-secondary. One thing I didn't know actually, until this year is that a lot of schools and a lot of teachers will allow a student to rewrite a test if they had a bad day or they were feeling anxious that day. If there's that communication back and forth. So if that's asked for and sometimes it's readily offered, if they correct the mistakes on their their prior tests and then are willing to attend a little tutorial that's offered to a lot of students, especially as they get up into the higher elementary grades. Teachers are really good at communicating now. Keeping in touch with that as a parent can really help while instilling the idea that it really is the kids responsibility, but it is available to the parent too, to help the kiddo stay on track.
Katherine Hurtig
One thing that that made me think of - when I was growing up, obviously, and I'm sure it's still the case with a lot of parents, I did feel this pressure from my parents to get good grades. They wanted me to have success, they wanted me to get into a good school, get a good job, have a good life. But I felt it might have been maybe too much. I felt that if I didn't get a certain grade, that disappointment or I wasn't good enough. So I guess there's another question about balance. How do we express to our kids that school and academics are important without them tying that to any kind of self-worth.
Nicole Ward
I think that a lot of people in our generation are the same that way, right? Parents thought that the more pressure, the better. And now we know that if we're putting on so much pressure that we're activating that stress response, then we're not in any kind of learning brain. And having the kid know that there are expectations around how we pay attention to study. But at the end of the day, being realistic about whether this one test is going to make or break whether you become a doctor later on is probably just not a realistic thing. I think just consistently having an expectation that they're doing their best and they're being diligent around their school work and at the end of the day, if you know those things, then that's the bottom line, not the letter grade.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, I want to be able to express to Harrison, this test, this school project, this whatever - it's important, but at the same time, I want him to know that regardless of a grade we love him just the same.
Nicole Ward
I think that comes from not a message but the culture of the family. I think that you are probably modeling that reality to your everyday parenting.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, in other ways.
Speaker 3
Like really being present when he's proud of something or showing him his own worth and value through your eyes. Telling him what you saw that was really good about his soccer game, or how what a great teammate he is, or how supportive he was to that kid who fell on the field. So just building that that self-image throughout the parenting interactions. At the same time it is not going to be perfect. We are going to give a message that we look back on and say “that wasn't great,” but we also have to remind ourselves that just like these humans are growing and developing, we are too. It's not that different in terms of this evolution. And as parents, there's never been a time where we had more access to information about what we’re doing right, but also all the things that we're doing wrong and we can get really bogged down with the idea that, “ I've been doing that wrong all along.”
It's not too late because chances are there's been many other things that have offset that that you were doing the way that made sense for that kid. And there's not only one way - it needs to be individualized based on the needs of the kid. I'm a firm believer that you know what your kid needs more than anybody else.
Katherine Hurtig
For sure. Well, that's a good mindset shift for me to have that it's not just a phrase, or a sentence, or saying one right thing at the right time - it's that consistent environment of showing him that he’s loved and supported.
Nicole Ward
My older child, Maya, she has test anxiety, so the the day of the test I'll make sure as she's going out the door to say, “you studied, you did your best. It is what it is.” Now, there's lots of things that we can do home here if it doesn't go well, but just be present, do your best, check your answers, and then leave it where it is. And knowing that they she has that solid response when she comes home means a lot, and I think it just takes the pressure off that she is in the right mindset to tackle that test on any given day.
Katherine Hurtig
Nicole, what resources or other tools are available out there for parents and kids to address back to school stress?
Nicole Ward
This if the school has their own parents Facebook page, that's an excellent resource. I cannot tell you how many times I've flipped on Facebook at 10:00 PM and there's a message from some amazing parent down the street saying, “don't forget, tomorrow is pizza day at the school,” and I'm like, OK, yes, thank you, parent who decided that they had the capacity tonight to contribute to this. So that can be a nice, just little resource to back you up as a parent. And then I think, what I've implemented, and it's been really hard and some months it hasn't gotten done, but getting a big calendar and everybody has a color about when is cheerleading and when is soccer and when is funny hair day, which is tomorrow at my kids school. It’s a huge visual representation for everyone, and now my older daughter especially, she'll tell me, “mom, tomorrow is pink hair day,” and my son Noah will also say, “mom, it's show and share tomorrow at before and after school care.” So just having a big calendar if you can get it done towards the beginning of the month or the second week of the month, whatever you can manage. If there's a blank month in there and you just rely on flying by the seat of your pants, that's OK too.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, it's such a helpful tool.
Nicole Ward
If they go to school and they don't have pizza money, they'll probably survive.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, I don't know if I would.
Nicole Ward
Oh, one more thing I was going to say about this resource piece or tool is we've implemented a family meeting once a month to look ahead into the month and what we have going on and my partner and I decide who’s going to do pickups for the extracurriculars and what each week looks like and the kids pick up their pieces in that too. So just having an open dialogue and a bit more of a structured time around that. There's also amazing phone apps that are made for this sort of thing.
Katherine Hurtig
Are there any proactive measures that parents can take to kind of help out with a smooth transition from summer break to the school routine?
Nicole Ward
Along with the things I've mentioned, I think sometimes if you know that your kids struggles with transition specifically, it might be a good idea to have the kid responded to as consistently as possible. So they spend a lot of time with their teachers, so having that teacher know a little bit about what your responses are or what really works for your kid, there's usually an opportunity within the first week of school to have a little meeting with the teacher and get that relationship started. Passing on anything that's helpful at home if you know that that's a thing. There's going to be opportunities in the summer that will mimic what some of the back to school routine looks like. So seizing those opportunities - if there's a summer camp the kids going to, they're going to need a lunch - get them involved in in packing and prepping for those things. Look for little opportunities to start that transition.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, and build those skills. Yeah, totally. Well, thank you, Nicole. This has been amazing. Can you provide any final tips or advice for parents to effectively manage back to school stress and promote overall well-being?
Nicole Ward
Be kind to yourself and your kids about this and teach them to be kind for them to themselves because. we're not going to get anything in life right 100% of the time. Keep in the back of your mind that we’ve just got to do it right 30% of the time — maybe don't tell your kids that. Yeah, they probably want more than 30% on their math test.
Katherine Hurtig
Of course.
Nicole Ward
Knowing that you're learning today and even if it doesn't go the way you wanted it, tomorrow's a new opportunity to challenge yourself to make it just a little bit better.
Katherine Hurtig
You've been listening to Living Fully, a Calgary Counseling Centre podcast. Thank you for tuning in.
This episode was produced by Luiza Campos, and by me, Katherine Hurtig. A special thanks to Nicole Ward.
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Living Fully is a production of Calgary Counselling Centre and recorded in Calgary on Treaty 7 territory Living Fully podcast is not a substitute or alternative for professional care or treatment. If you're in Alberta and need help, please go to calgarycounselling.com or counsellingalberta.com. For help across Canada and the United States, call 211. If you are outside of Canada and the US seek help from your General Medical practitioner.