Season 1, Episode 4: Assembling Your Coping Skills Toolbox
When life throws you a curve ball, how do you deal with it? How do you manage stress in your life? There are many different and effective ways to cope — but do you know what methods are best for you?
On this episode of Living Fully, host Katherine Hurtig talks with registered psychologist Krista Beck about various coping skills and which ones you can use in your life. They cover the types of emotional and physical coping mechanisms, which are healthy and unhealthy, and how to teach children what skills may be best for them.
Watch the original Facebook Live discussion of this episode.
Learn more about healthy vs. unhealthy coping tools.
Please note: Krista Beck is incorrectly described at one point as a "registered social worker" when she is in fact a registered psychologist.
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Katherine Hurtig
Welcome to Living Fully, a Calgary Counselling Centre podcast. Each episode we'll bring you insights from our expert counsellors and tips and strategies to improve your mental well-being.
I'm your host, Katherine Hurtig.
Calgary Counselling Centre and Counselling Alberta provide effective counselling for anyone in Alberta with no wait list and no financial barriers. Find us online at calgarycounselling.com or counsellingalberta.com.
In this episode, we'll be discussing different coping skills and how they can help you when facing challenges.
To discuss this topic, I reached out to Krista Beck, a registered social worker with Calgary Counselling Centre. Krista talks about the difference between healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms, what and where emotional coping methods usually stem from, how to teach your children healthy coping habits, and much more.
The conversation within this podcast was originally live streamed on Calgary Counselling Centre’s Facebook page on January 27, 2021. At this time, we were still experiencing uncertainty and restrictions around the COVID-19 pandemic. That will be reflected in my conversation with Krista, but know that the coping tools and strategies that she explains are still very applicable and can help us navigate tough times.
So to start off at Krista can you tell us what coping skills are, and when we would need to use them?
Krista Beck
Absolutely. So coping skills are basically just strategies that we use to deal with difficult emotions. So things like fear, stress, disappointment, frustration. And they can help to alleviate distress. So the thing about coping skills is that we're all using them already, in essence, but some of them may be healthy and some of them may not be so healthy, and sometimes it's really just the small, simple coping skills that can be really quite effective. Like, you find yourself in kind of intense conversation with someone before you respond, you know, taking a deep breath to kind of calm your nerves a little bit can really help in that situation. So it's interesting because I think people sometimes feel like “well, I don't have any coping skills,” but that's not true. They may be using a lot of coping skills, but they just may not be the best coping skills.
Katherine Hurtig
Or really, they're not so conscious of them.
Krista Beck
Yeah, exactly.
Katherine Hurtig
What are some coping strategies you suggest that people have in their toolbox to handle these kinds of stresses?
Krista Beck
That's such a good question because so many people are dealing just with that global stress of everything that's going on and feeling more isolated and alone, and so some things that can really help, like especially if somebody is working at home or maybe if someone isn't working and feels like they just have these kind of endless days ahead of them having a schedule or routine is really important. Trying to go to bed and wake up at the same time. It's tempting, especially if there's not a lot going on to maybe stay up half the night. But then your sleep patterns get all messed up, and then if you're low on sleep, it's easy to feel emotional and frustrated and stressed out. So having a bit of a schedule - not down to like every 10 minutes - but just, what are those regular things that happen during the day and trying to, yeah, some structure is so helpful and staying connected as best as a person can.
So like lots of people are doing Zoom calls or playing games with family. My mom plays Scrabble with my aunt. I'm not sure how they do it. They do it on Skype and they each have their own board and all the letters. But they've worked it out, so they still have that connection. So it works out really well for them. So whether it's group hangouts or zoom or some of those gaming apps that you can go on and actually play a game together, that works really well to keep that connection with people that you really know and have, like, a real life connection to and can maintain that.
Then some of the other things are, to look at “what is within my sphere of influence?”, like “what do I have some control over? What can I change?” So I can look after my health. I can try to have a good sleeping patterns. I can try to maintain, you know, drinking water and exercise. These are things that I do have some control over and can do something about. People have heard this throughout the time of the pandemic, but it's a good time to learn a new skill. You know, I keep thinking, I want to learn Spanish. Like I could go on Duolingo and you know, check that out or there's free courses online or just even searching up like a new hobby, like getting into knitting or learning how to sew, you know, whatever those things are. YouTube has a video for everything you want to learn how to do. I've been trying to learn crochet. It’s more challenging than I thought. And then things like mindfulness or meditation. There's some really great apps out there like Headspace. You know, I think Calm, those sorts of things. I have a few of them on my phone. I always get the names mixed up, but I actually just turned one on last night because I was having trouble sleeping. I think just, you know, a lot rolls around in your mind so I turned it on and you know you're listening to it. And next thing you know, you falling. Asleep so those kinds of things can help But even during the day too, if you're finding yourself stressed out.
Limiting screen time is really important. I think there's a feeling of like, especially when I'm at home and there's not a lot of other things to do, a person could easily be on the computer, their phone, TV, from morning to night with no worry. But it's not really helpful depending on what a person is doing like especially on some of the social media sites, like getting involved in maybe a lot of arguments on. Twitter or reading about people doing things on Facebook and. You know, I have a friend who said they were just getting really depressed because they were looking at Facebook and some of the people they knew had seen family at Christmas and gone on vacations and like things that were, you know, maybe recommended not to do. And so they really felt they were missing out and it made them feel worse in this situation. So, you know, we were talking about maybe getting off of Facebook.
Despite the fact that it is a pandemic, there are still ways to be involved and volunteer like, you know, Google volunteering online, you know, maybe a person could be sending letters to a local long term care facility without having to go there and volunteer in person. Or to make some donations or, you know, there are still ways to be involved that really would help a person's mood and help with purpose, even without getting out of the house.
Katherine Hurtig
Yeah, that can definitely have a positive effect on mood. Just finding ways to put your focus on other people and helping others.
We can't avoid challenges and stresses in our lives, but we can choose how we respond to those stresses. By learning healthy ways to cope and manage challenges. Having a variety of healthy coping tools can help us deal with negative emotions we have and improve our quality of life. These tools can help to prevent mental health problems, build resiliency and increase self-confidence.
Can you talk a bit about the difference between, you know, healthy and unhealthy coping skills?
Krista Beck
Yeah, so healthy coping strategies or skills contribute to long lasting positive outcomes. They may not necessarily be the easiest things to do kind of in that moment, but they certainly lead to better outcomes and longer lasting success. So things like exercising, talking it out with a friend or professional, booking an appointment with the counsellor, eating healthy, doing relaxation techniques. So things like progressive muscle relaxation. Which is when you tense and release your muscles from toe to head which can help to calm your body down. Using social supports like friends or family. Doing some problem solving, trying meditation or grounding techniques, yoga. All of those sorts of things are what we consider healthy coping skills.
Now, unhealthy coping skills or strategies that people use, there's quite a few that fall under that category. They often provide instant gratification or relief when someone's feeling some distress. The problem is they can sometimes have long term negative consequences, so things like drinking alcohol. You know, a drink or two might feel good in the moment, but it doesn't necessarily resolve any issues. So the thing about alcohol is it's a depressant, so it can make you feel worse and it can also lead to things like addiction or problems in that area, creating more issues instead of solving the issues that were the problem in the first place.
Other things are, and it's interesting because with unhealthy strategies, some of them don't necessarily sound negative about first glance, but can lead to long term problems. So things like sleeping too much, you know many people, when they feel stressed, automatically feel tired. They feel like having a nap and going to sleep. But when you wake up, the problem is still there, and it has not been resolved then sometimes its worse, especially if it was something that needed to be attended to quite quickly. Venting to others, which is not the same thing as talking out your problems with somebody If you get in the pattern of just venting and venting and venting it can actually be quite negative and it keeps someone in that issue or in that problem and it can kind of spiral instead of them feeling better.
I'm sure most people have also heard of things like retail therapy. I think that's been a term that's been around for a little while and then people say, you know, “I'm going to engage in some retail therapy,” but the problem is then, especially if there's an issue already with finances or things like that, it makes the problem far worse, so again, instant gratification but long term negative effects. Even things like eating or controlling one's eating. Sometimes when people are having a hard time, they may overeat, which then leads to its own issues and maybe weight problems, or they're trying to control the situation so they really restrict what their intake is, which then might lead to an eating disorder. So those are all things that may be considered unhealthy coping strategies.
Katherine Hurtig
So some of these strategies you're talking about aren't so healthy. If you're avoiding the problem or retail therapy as you say, or sleeping too much. Those aren't necessarily, like they aren't bad in and of themselves, right? Like if you know we do them every once in a while, that's okay?
Krista Beck
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And you're so right. Like every once in a while is different than getting in that pattern. So, you know, if someone has had a really stressful week and they go out with friends on a Friday night, well, things are a little different in the world right now, but you know, have a couple drinks with their friend. You know, that's one thing, and maybe they're getting social support out of that and able to talk things through with their friend. But if that becomes a nightly event, you know, then are they be coming late for work? Are they becoming more dependent on that? Instead of actually dealing with the problem, so a lot of it is about moderation. So you're exactly right. Like maybe doing one of those things like once or every once in a while, or you know every so often isn't a big deal, but an ongoing power of that could become problematic.
Katherine Hurtig
OK. Can you talk a little bit about some of the different types of coping strategies and how they can be beneficial? So I’m thinking like coping strategies focused on emotions? Or, you know, certain behaviors. Social coping that that kind of thing.
Krista Beck
Yeah, absolutely. So there's kind of three main that a lot of those other subcategories fall under. So one of them is emotion focused and this one is really about regulating negative emotional reactions to stress. And these can be helpful, especially if someone's dealing with a problem that isn't, or a stressor that isn't necessarily changeable. So maybe someone is like really stressed out at work, but they need to keep that job, they need to pay their bills, so that isn't necessarily something that will change. So how do they cope with that stress?
So things like just even learning how to label feelings, doing breathing exercises. I think a lot of people undervalue breathing exercises, not realizing that it can really help to calm your body down, which then triggers your brain into thinking you're more calm. So it's actually a very helpful thing to do. Also things like journaling, engaging in things that someone finds really enjoyable like reading or doing artwork. Now some of those things aren't gonna happen during the day at work, but certainly when you're like at work, you can do some deep breaths. You could do some muscle relaxation sitting at your desk. One that I really like is called 5-4-3-2-1. It’s kind of a grounding technique. And so it's a really good one. So you can start by just, even if you're in your office, work seems to be a good example and many people are working from home and that may be causing his own stress. But so you look around and see five things that you can see and then four things that you can touch, three things that you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste or sometimes I like to kind of shake it off and say one thing that you're thankful or grateful for, like just end it on a bit of a different note.
Then cognitive behavioral is another type of coping skills or coping strategies. This one's more about reframing thinking or trying to change thinking patterns that will then hopefully change our behaviors because those are so closely connected. So these are things like self-monitoringg, like observing ourselves from a bit of a distance like “how am I handling this? What are my triggers in this situation?”
Katherine Hurtig
So a bit of self-reflection?
Krista Beck
Yeah, exactly. Setting and managing goals fits really well under that. So you know, “what do I need to do? What will help me and how do I work on those?” And then trying to look at situations and like so for example, maybe we're stressed at work, we think like our boss you know is really mad at us, doesn't like us, whatever that is. So in cognitive restructuring then we think about what are some alternatives to that, what could be happening instead of the assumption that we're making. So it can help to deal with the problems in that way. So maybe our boss is just really stressed out themselves. Maybe, you know, there's been people who have quit recently and they're trying to hire new staff, and that's been really, you know, taking up their mind that might have nothing to do with us, but we might be putting our worry, projecting that and then thinking that something's wrong between our relationship with them.
And then another one, one of the main ones is problem focused. So this is actually really helpful if there is a situation that is changeable. So, you know, making a list of pros and cons so you know, maybe someone is trying to decide between two jobs and are really stressed out. So what are the pros and cons of each? Because they can have some control in that situation. Or they can ask for help. They can go through a problem-solving process. And then you know there are those things that fit under those categories like social supports and social access but they mainly go under those main headings of problem solving skills.
Katherine Hurtig
Right.
Finding the right coping skills and tools that will work for you, will be a bit of a trial and error process. Do a little self-reflecting and think about how you cope with the problems in your life. Ask yourself what your go-to coping strategies are. Like Krista said, it's important to have ways to regulate and soothe strong emotions in the moment, like breathing exercises, but also a variety of tools to cope longer term. Writing in a journal or going for a run may not be your thing, and that's OK. Experiment with activities that you enjoy. Incorporate activities that include physical activity, social connection, creativity acts of service and mindfulness.
These strategies that you're talking about, whether they be, you know, focusing on our emotions or reframing our thoughts, grounding techniques, do you have any advice on how we can sustain these habits?
Krista Beck
Yeah, you know, practice is one of the huge parts of this, like just getting in a habit. Trying to do them on a regular basis. At first they seem a little bit clunky and maybe and a little bit difficult. Like when I talk to people about meditation and they've never tried that before you know, some people are like, “well, that sounds a little too like new-agey for me” or “how will that fit in my schedule?” And so sometimes it's just getting over the hump of just giving it a try. Like it's not helpful when you're running out the door and have two minutes to spare to then decide to do a 20-minute meditation. Of course that's not going to work out very well, but maybe before bed or first thing in the morning. So we have to pick a time that works in our schedule and then try to do it on a consistent basis. Our smartphones are so available and can do so many things, so set a reminder - “oh yeah. meditation, 9:30 tonight. Then I'm going to bed.” So just to get in that habit of it.
Katherine Hurtig
So my last question, Krista, is how can parents help their children in building and practicing coping strategies?
Krista Beck
A large part of it is being open about our own, to a level that's appropriate for children, but to be open about our own stressors and difficulties and how we're coping with those to role model that. So even saying things like “man, it was a bit of a stressful day at work today. I think I'm gonna go for a walk tonight. that will help me to kind of clear my mind.” So talking through those things. Dinner time is a great time for that sort of thing, because people often talk about how their day was. The kids are back in school face to face so you know they can talk about how that went. It can also help, especially with younger kids, who maybe aren't as able to articulate this, but to make sure that they have the words to identify those feelings like frustration isn't the same thing as maybe being mad or like, are you sad about something or disappointed or, you know, so talking through some of those words and establishing triggers. When my son was young, you know, having to shut down the Xbox and leave the house was definitely a trigger and would cause a lot of upset. So, “OK, you're feeling really frustrated because you had to stop in the middle of the game. How do we handle that?” So yeah, finding those words and you know, and even adults sometimes they're like, "you know, growing up I didn't really learn how to label my emotions really accurately,” so that can be helpful for all ages. And then providing ideas of coping skills to try. So “let's try taking some deep breaths” or “I'm going to do yoga. Do you want to do that with me?” And you know, try some of those things. Go for a walk together or do an art project or talk about journaling and have them write down a few sentences are all really good ways to involve them and help them understand why we're doing what we're doing in response to the stress that we're feeling. And hopefully they'll see that role modeling and pick that up.
Katherine Hurtig
You've been listening to living fully a Calgary Counselling Centre podcast. Thank you for tuning in. This episode was produced by Luiza Campos, Amelia Hawley, Eric Tanner, and by me, Katherine Hurtig.
A special thanks to Krista Beck.
The conversation within this podcast was originally live streamed on Calgary Counseling Center's Facebook page on January 27th, 2021.
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Living Fully is a production of Calgary Counselling Centre and recorded in Calgary on Treaty 7 territory. Living Fully podcast is not a substitute or alternative for professional care or treatment.
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